FLASHES OF MEMORIES

Tonight as I access my memories for the period after my car accident in July 1999 and having to come out of work indefinitely in October of 2001; I began to get flashes of scenes and the emotions that go with the scenes.

I am reminded that I need to give some context of what I had went through emotionally and spiritually after my first husband's death in July 1997 up until the time that I married Mark, my second husband who was a licensed Baptist preacher in May of 1999.

After the death of my three nieces in December of 1992, I began questioning my spiritual condition. All three of my nieces had been regular church attenders and were considered "saved". After their death I began to question just what it meant to be "saved" and go to heaven. I hadn't ever attend church but occasionally in my life. I discuss this and my beliefs now on this in previous blogs.

In the fall of 1993 at the age of 27 after wrestling with the emotions of my nieces death, I did finally recognize my God spark in my heart and that I had a soul. These are my beliefs now but back then I had the belief that Jesus had come to live in my heart after I asked God to forgive me of my sins. I had gotten totally submerged into religion to help me deal with the death of my mom in April of 1997 and Rick, my first husband in July of 1997.

I met Mark a year and half after Rick's death through his mom who went to church with me. We had only dated six months before we got married. We lived in the house I had purchased after Rick's death. Things were somewhat stressful for us as I have shared before concerning his job security and his financial situation compounded with me having to come out of work.

I can remember everything seemed so strange during these first few years of being out of work. I was taking different anti inflammatory medications and having all kinds of sides effects from them. My pain in my neck, back, and all over my body and in my muscles was beginning to be unbearable. I had migraine headaches almost everyday. The neurologist had even put me on Klonopin, Xanax, and sleeping pills. I know now this was actually a recipe for disaster. I had never been sick before and never had to deal with all the things I was going through.

Mark didn't deal very well with my condition and pretty much left it for me to deal with. I honestly believe he thought I was making it all up. He had said things about his own mom's health issues that caused me to believe this. It truly was a difficult time.

Thinking back there must of been times my spiritual team was trying to reach me. I remember one in particular. It was in the middle of the night and I couldn't sleep for the pain. I had been praying intently about my illness and being healed. I had this large window in my living and it began to vibrate and I heard a sound. I thought it sounded like a train coming through the window and I saw a flash of a bright light. I didn't live near any railroad tracks nor was it storming. At the time I believed this was the Holy Spirit reaching out to me.

I know now that all of the symptoms and pain I was having was not only from the bulging disc in my neck and back but it was of course trapped emotions from all the deaths I had experienced near me plus my childhood trauma trapped within my body. It was not fibromyalgia as I had been diagnosed with. The car accident just was the event that brought everything out.