HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION

Today as I go back over my memories to see where to pick up on my life story in my blogs, I can feel its okay to share and move forward. I left off last talking about the end of my marriage. Mark wasn’t willing to seek counseling to help us work through our issues. I felt like I knew why but I wasn’t sure. It has since been confirmed I was correct. He had lost his dad to a tragedy at the age of 5 or 6. His stepmom shot and killed his dad. Mark was still stuck emotionally at that age. He had never worked through this trauma. When his own daughter faced some very emotional events in her life, he had a very hard time. He could not really be there to help her emotionally.

I never made the connection at the time, that is why he really couldn’t help me process through my emotions after my car accident and going on disability, as well as everything that I went through with pain management and depression. If someone is not ready or willing to work on their own healing, there is nothing we can really do. I felt like I was dying, and I no longer could stay in our marriage. I could have handled how I left so much differently. Hurt people, hurt people. I too had healing to do.

What came next was another big lesson in my life on steroids. I can look back now and say what the hell was I thinking! I got into another relationship way too fast. When the first guy who gave me affection came along, I got into another serious relationship without healing from the broken marriage I had just ended. I moved away from my family which had never worked for me in the past and moved into an apartment with this new love interest. Out of respect for his family and his memory I am not going to go into very much specific detail about our relationship. He recently had two strokes and passed away.

Scott and I lived together in Warner Robbins for six months. When I learned that Mark had already gotten into another relationship and was planning a wedding and moving out of the house, we shared I decided to move back home. Scott was excited about the change and being in a house, so we packed up and headed back north. It wasn’t but a few months later I noticed some changes in Scott and our relationship. Scott was back in Perry, Georgia and I was alone within 5 months of being back in Cave Spring, Ga.

There were so many things I did wrong in my relationship with Scott. I so wanted to be loved that I did things that allowed me to be taken advantage of financially. I had no idea the problem was my own. I didn’t love myself, so I did not know how to really have a healthy loving relationship. Here I am going on 9 years divorced and I am still single. I have finally learned until I am healed and emotionally mature that it is wise to stay single. I am a lot closer today than I was yesterday. It’s a journey and I am headed in the right direction.