Struggling versus Allowing

The next big chronological events in my life I have already written blogs about but I am thinking about a time I believe it was maybe the spring or summer 2018 after A moved out. I was trying to decide where do you go from here Wendy?! I remember just laying on my couch and feeling completely lost.

When most of your life has been riddled with trauma and chaos and you learned how to move and survive during those times you find peace and quiet very alarming. I know that sounds strange. But it really is the truth. You become stuck in fight or flight mode and when there is no problems or chaos it feels strange and even scary.

This is where I was in my life. I felt like I had no purpose. I had no one in my life to try to get the focus off myself and distract myself from me! I knew I wanted a different life. I knew I wanted peace but I felt strangely ill equipped to figure out how to go out and make myself a enjoyable peaceful life.

I was still dealing with my health issues that I thought were all from the car wreck in 1999. I was no longer going to pain management but going to a Rheumatologist. I knew that I had to continue to try to figure out how to improve my health and get rid of all the body pain.

I was finally going to the YMCA some to the heated water exercise classes. I had wondered if just trying to volunteer doing something a few hours several days a week would be a way to start on a new faucet of my life. So I contact Floyd Hospital to volunteer. In my past after my first husbands transistion I would go to the hospital on my own and offer to pray for people in various waiting rooms. So I was comfortable at the hospital and thought this would be a way I could volunteer and help people.

I took the training classes and got my volunteer outfit then I got my first assignment. It was working in the gift shop running the register. This definitely wasn’t what I had in mind nor what I was told I would be doing. Originally I was told they were going to have me go into new patients rooms and ask about living wills and medical directives. Then help them with the paperwork the hospital offers.

I spoke with the director of volunteer services and was told that hopefully that position to volunteer in would be available soon but until then I was needed in the position I had been placed. They had me work at the Rome Hospital and at the Polk County hospital gift shops. I volunteered from 2 to 3 days a week 4 hours a day normally. I did volunteer approximately a month.

The volunteer position to help others seemed more like a free worker for the hospital benefit not in a position to be of service to those in need so I graciously bowed out of the volunteer work for the hospital. This period of time was very confusing for me. I can see looking back now how nothing felt right. I felt like I was on the outside looking into this world and I felt I didn’t belong there.

You know what that feeling is somewhat of how I feel now but it’s completely different if that can make sense. I know I am on the verge of that life I spoke about that I wanted that is enjoyable and peaceful. I know I am at the entrance about to cross over into my dream life. The difference now is I know I don’t have to struggle or search how to make it happen. I don’t feel scared or confused. I know all I have to do is see it unfolding in front of me. See me doing what brings me joy and just go about my life as if it is already happening.