SURRENDERING

For sometime I have avoided continuing to write about my past in my blog. When I began writing about my life from birth forward it was before my awakening. I was lead by God to write and share my experiences to help others. The more I shared it seemed the more I understood myself and life.

Last I shared was how I was living my life after my first husband, Rick passed. I met my second husband, Mark, a year and a half later. I was doing everything to avoid dealing with my emotions and past traumas. I believed at that time I needed to just push my pain down and go forward. I turned to religion to help me move forward.

I only dated Mark six months before we got married. I had not ever mourned the loss of my mom or Rick. I saw things in my relationship with Mark that concerned me but I moved forward anyway. Analyzing things now I was so numb and making decisions without really considering the long term consequences.

It was only six weeks or so after Mark and I got married that I was hit by a drunk driver on my way to work. The physical injuries were like the straw that broke the camels back. All the trauma I was holding in my body came bubbling to the surface.

It has been some twenty six years since the death of Rick and twenty four since my accident. If I had only understood about surrendering and allowing myself to process my emotions and trauma things may have been so different. I know we aren't meant to focus on the past but we are meant to learn lessons and not keep repeating them.

I find myself currently in a place where I am not sure how to move forward so this time I am choosing to surrender. I am no longer in fear of looking at these past twenty six years and dealing with the pain and emotions that maybe held within my physical body. I am ready to continue on my path of healing.