Understanding Your Own Trauma

Normally, the title of my blog comes to me before the blog is written. Today I heard "Understanding your own trauma" and then "Just breathe". I always reread my last blog I have written or several if necessary to feel into my past.

The day of the accident, I spoke of in my previous blog was a little different from most. Mark took my car to work so he could get a new set of tires for it. So I drove his small Nissan truck. I was a little nervous driving it because he was extremely picky about his vehicles. I just was being very careful with my driving. Which thinking about it now is kinda strange.

It wasn't my error that caused the accident but the man who hit me. It was early morning near 7am and the sun hadn't really got up good. Mark's truck was a grey/black color. I always wondered if it just faded into the color of the asphalt road and if that was part of the reason for the man not seeing me.

I was driving in the right hand lane and had just went past Burnette Ferry Rd on Shorter Ave headed from west Rome to work in Cedartown. Right in front of the old manual car wash that is no longer there the truck the man was driving came out of nowhere on my left side. He came out of the parking lot for the Karate Studios across the street.

After the impact while speaking with the man he said he was headed to the Waffle House next to the car wash. He claims he didn't see me. He didn't know if he dozed off or what but that he was tired and had been driving all night from Florida headed back home from Ohio. When he hit me driving an older model 1970's full size truck with a camper I was knocked up into the area in front of the car wash bays off of the road a good distance.

When the man got out and approached me he was very nervous. He told me the information that I shared earlier about where and what he was doing. He said he couldn't find his insurance card and was going to walk to locate a phone to call family to get his information. I was already calling the police. I was so shaken I didn't think to offer my cellphone for his call. He seemed so nervous and actually I smelled alcohol on his breath.

When the police officer arrived the man was still gone. I shared what all had went on. Finally the man came back and the officer spoke with him away from me. I just remember how I was dreading calling Mark to tell him that his truck was damaged. If you recall we had only been married approximately six weeks. It's crazy that I was thinking he would be more upset about his truck than if I had been injured. Mark said he wasn't upset and he was glad I was ok. I felt shook up but I didn't think I needed to go to the hospital. In hindsight I know that wasn't a good analysis.

What I really want to focus on right now was the fact I was worried about how Mark would react to his truck being damaged. I was always walking on eggshells with Mark. I felt like everything I did wasn't done like he would like things. I was always worried about having his approval. I know from my previous writings and analysis that this behavior stemmed from my childhood experiences. I learned from other life experiences that my relationship with my mother and the lack of one with my father caused me to develop an unhealthy attachment style. I had developed an anxious-avoidance attachment style.

Thinking back to when I realized this in my previous writings, I had actually purchased a book and workbook to work on this area. I haven't even thought about this till now. I never did finish those. I am definitely seeing there is still more healing for me to do. I have done a lot but I will keep going. Writing is a great way to process your emotions and work on healing your personal traumas. My hope is that by sharing my life experiences they will help you to take your own journey of healing.